Ouroboros
by hockey-princess
Summary: Season 3 AU. Pre-Full Disclosure. She thought she could move on and leave the past behind, never realizing, no matter how far she ran, it would always be a part of her.
1. Prologue: One morning

Ouroboros  
  
Summary: Season 3 AU. Pre-Full Disclosure. She thought she could move on and leave the past behind, never realizing, not matter how far she ran, it would always be a part of her.  
  
Author: hockey_princess  
  
Rating: G for now, maybe PG later.  
  
Disclaimer: Alias and all its wonderful characters belong to JJ Abrams. I'm just borrowing them.  
  
Author's note: I'm ignoring the whole Lauren-is-evil/SydSpawn plotlines because I don't find either particularly interesting.  
  
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Prologue: One Morning  
  
Some might call me a coward. Others may shake their heads sadly and say "She was brilliant, resilient, gifted but not strong enough." Maybe those descriptions are fair, but what those people think doesn't matter anymore. All I know is one morning, I woke up and something just snapped. Perhaps that's putting it the wrong way. It wasn't something that suddenly happened, with no warning whatsoever. Deep down, I knew what was happening, that my soul was being slowly chipped away, even if my mind would not acknowledge it. I wanted to endure. I didn't want to disappoint the people who saw me as 'Sydney Bristow-Super Spy: you can throw anything at her, but she'll still come bouncing back'.  
  
As much as I wanted to be that untouchable super-spy, I'm not. I'm only human. That morning, it just all crystallized. I was tired. Tired of crying myself to sleep at night. Tired of yearning for a past that did not exist and could not be changed. Tired of wishing for a future that wasn't to be mine. I wanted to stop looking at another woman and coveting her husband. I had to stop pining for a man that could no longer love me back. I was exhausted, drained. I had no more tears left to cry for those I had cared about and lost in one way or another to this life.  
  
Danny, whose death I can never seem to avenge. Noah, whom I never really knew, I later realized. Emily, whose only crime was being unable to help who she loved. Diane, a true innocent. Francie, the guilt from her death will never leave me. Will, now my oldest friend; he has had so much taken from him. My mother, someone I've always wanted to know but never truly will. Vaughn.  
  
Then there is my father. He will never leave this life until I do. He wants to protect me from everything forever and I fear for the day when I may lose him also, to death or other demons. Oh, I know he is a strong man. Stronger that I will ever be. But I want him to live to get rest from everything that he has gone through in the last twenty years. There are others who are left: Dixon, Weiss, Marshall. But I'm tired of wondering when I may lose them also.  
  
On that morning I came to all these realizations, and I recognized one path I could take to try and end it all.  
  
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	2. Chapter 1: Walking Away

Joint Operations Centre  
  
Sydney Bristow walked into the facility with a purposeful stride, hold a white envelope in her hand. Not a particularly unusual sight for her coworkers since her mysterious return from the dead eight months before. But those who knew her found the situation strange, it was eleven in the morning, and Agent Bristow was known to arrive at eight every morning, regular as clockwork.  
  
She walked past her desk without greeting her fellow agents, and straight into the Director's office. Dixon looked up in surprise. "Sydney, what can I do for you?"  
  
Sydney paused for a moment to collect herself, and handed her envelope to him.  
  
He frowned, "What's this? New intel?"  
  
"It's my letter of resignation from the CIA" She answered quickly. "I want leave, as soon as possible."  
  
Dixon's frowned in confusion as he opened the envelop and read its contents. "This is rather sudden. Sydney, are you sure this is what you want?" He asked her quietly. "What about Sloane? You know if you leave, you lose your security clearance, CIA resources to help find out about your missing years."  
  
"I'm sure." Sydney replied confidently.  
  
"You're not planning to go rogue are you?" Dixon asked quietly. "I know the urge to do that may seem irresistible sometimes. You know, after Diane.was killed, I considered doing the same. "  
  
She shook her head. "No, I've reached the point where I can't do this anymore. I want to leave this life forever, move on." Sydney laughed bitterly, looking away. "I always promised myself this would end when Sloane was brought to justice, and look where he is now."  
  
"And you're willing to stand back and stop looking for vengeance?" Dixon asked as he pulled her to face him.  
  
She pulled herself away and stared at the ground as she whispered, "Yes. I've lost too much already."  
  
He didn't press her. Instead, he asked gently, "Have you told anyone else?"  
  
"No, but I'm going to tell my father over lunch. Everyone else.I'm not sure I can."  
  
"Jack and I can handle it."  
  
They stood in silence for several moments until Sydney looked up and smiled sadly before walking away.  
  
"Wait, Syd." He called. "I can put you on a leave of absence. You can have some time to think about this, to see if this is what you really want."  
  
She turned to face him once again. For a second, she wanted to accept his offer. She wanted to believe that she could go away, ponder her life for a few months then return and have everything normal again. But she knew that she would only get caught up in the destructive spiral of the underground world of espionage once again. And it would never end. So she shook her head and said, "Thank you, but I've already decided. I think I have some vacation time left. I'm planning to use that until my resignation can be processed."  
  
Dixon nodded. He knew when he said the words that it was a futile attempt. For all the time he had known Sydney Bristow, she had at various times talked about quitting. Once she had actually tried walking out and not returning. She had always come back. But this time, he sensed something different about the woman standing in front of him. She did indeed seem exhausted.defeated, something he had never seen before in her.  
  
He moved forward to envelop her in a hug. "I'll miss you. Despite everything, you've always been a good friend. If you ever need anything, even someone to talk to, promise me you'll call me." As they broke their embrace, Sydney replied, "I will, I promise. Thank you." But they both knew she never would.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Sydney saw her father as she exited Dixon's office.  
  
"Dad, I need to talk to you."  
  
Jack Bristow immediate stopped and turned his full attention towards his daughter. She pulled him towards a corner of the bullpen. "Let's get lunch. I'd rather talk to you over a meal."  
  
"Sydney, what's wrong? It's barely 11:30."  
  
"I know. Please? I'd much rather talk to you over a meal."  
  
As they walked out of the building across the park, and ended up at a nearby café. Instead of sitting down at a table, Sydney bought two coffees and muffins and began walking towards a park bench where she sat down, but said nothing  
  
Jack spoke. "Sydney, what happened? Did you discover a new lead?"  
  
"Dad, I'm leaving the CIA."  
  
Immediately, Jack became concerned. Although, he had always wanted for Sydney to get out of the business, she had always resisted. Her sudden change raised suspicions. "Why? Why now?"  
  
"I can't do this anymore. Everyday I see them together, and it hurts. It's so hard to rebuild your life, when everything that was certain, everything I believed would remain forever has been swept away."  
  
"Not everything, Sydney. Regardless of how much he has hurt you and everything else that has changed, I'll always be there for you."  
  
"I know, Dad." She paused to take his hand. "But I'm just tired. I've lost too many people I've loved to Sloane. Danny, Francie.Will is so far away. Vaughn. Sometimes, I can't help but think everything with you and Mom and her leaving when I was six and how you became so distant is because of the this life. The CIA. I always thought that if I help rid the world of one more bad guy, one more villain, one more psychopath it would end. But it doesn't."  
  
"Sydney." Jack began, "We will figure things out and."  
  
Abruptly standing, she cut him off. "No, this isn't one big thing, that once I solve it, my life will somehow be normal. It's all the little things that count. The situation never seems to get better. When I was at SD-6, I used to be uncomfortable, lying to Danny, Will, Francie and almost everyone else who knew me about my business trips, what I really did. When I tried to tell the truth, Danny got killed. I aimed my life towards taking down Sloane and SD-6, and in the process, I hurt Will. When we finally dismantled the Alliance, Francie was killed. Things were getting better, I found a new love in Vaughn, but now everything's changed again."  
  
Tears ran down her cheeks as she continued, "I can adapt to new situations but there is a limit. I've reached it. I'm tired of feeling lonely, afraid to care about new people, because the people I love end up getting hurt. And I end up getting hurt." Jack wondered what he could possibly do or say to make his daughter feel differently. While once, he may have felt hurt that his love alone was not enough, nor were his actions able to fully protect her, he now accepted that he could not fix everything in Sydney's life. She wasn't a six-year old when bad dreams could be solved with warm milk and honey and a bedtime tale. Nightmares had become a reality for her. As much as he tried to protect her, he could not control the actions of others in her life, nor could he turn back time. And the most he could do for her now was let her go, and be there for her when she needed him.  
  
So he wrapped his arm around her shoulders as she wept for everything she had lost and would never regain 


End file.
